The Antidote to Male Loneliness: Be the Instigator
I was recently part of a conversation about men going to therapy. The general vibe was something like, “I know I’m paying for this, but how fast can we wrap it up?” In many of these situations, sitting across from someone with no clear objective, it quickly becomes something we want to escape.
It’s similar to how a lot of men approach friendships. As we get older, we tend to lose touch. Unless there’s a defined reason to meet—golf, a project, a trip—we default to thinking we have “more important things to do.” Work takes over. Family comes first. And before long, your social life shrinks down to liking a buddy’s vacation photo on Instagram.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth no one really says out loud: if you don’t have a circle of guys you spend time with, you’re going to feel it, in your health, your mood, and your sense of purpose. Most men are quietly lonely, even if they wouldn’t say it outload. What often gets overlooked is that friendship usually doesn’t just “happen” anymore. It needs an instigator
The instigator is the guy who makes the first move. Every crew has one. He’s the one who throws the first punch at inertia. The guy who says, “We’re golfing Saturday” or “Grab your shoes, we’re hiking.” Without him, everyone just waits around for someone else to make a plan. With him, things happen.
The instigator is the antidote to male loneliness.
In my group of friends, that guy is Danny. And I’m lucky to have him.
The outdoors is the perfect backdrop for this. Men don’t always bond over coffee-shop eye contact or sitting across from each other in a booth. We connect shoulder to shoulder, moving in the same direction. Trail dust, ski runs, or sitting in a sauna have a way of knocking down walls. Conversation shows up naturally when you’re sweating, moving, and breathing the same air. No pressure. No awkwardness. Just time and space that builds trust.
Here’s the kicker, you don’t need to be an “outdoors guy” to pull this off. A city walk after work counts. Nine holes at twilight counts. Throwing a frisbee counts. The activity is just the excuse. What matters is the habit of showing up with other men and letting the bond build through repetition.
If you’ve got an instigator in your life, say yes when he calls. Don’t blow it off because you’re tired or busy. He’s literally handing you an open door to better friendships. If you don’t have one, then step up and be that guy. Send the text. Put it on the calendar. Don’t wait for the perfect time, it doesn’t exist. People follow consistency, not perfection.
In Norway, they have a tradition called Dugnad. It’s not optional. When the community needs something done: fixing the trail, painting the school, clearing the soccer field; everyone shows up. No excuses, no whining. It’s baked into their culture that being part of something bigger than yourself means you put in the work, shoulder to shoulder.
The spirit of Dugnad is exactly what friendship needs. It’s not about waiting until you feel like it or until life magically slows down. It’s about showing up, doing the work together, and realizing that connection is built in the grind, not on the sidelines.
So, here’s the challenge: today, pick a friend and throw out the invite. Don’t overthink it. Just make it happen. The world doesn’t need more men sitting at home scrolling. It needs more instigators dragging their friends outside, building real connections, and proving that life’s too short to go it alone.
Outdoor Talk LLC
We talk better outdoors.
Therapy with a spine, in motion.
